There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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