I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
