If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
