I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
