I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
