Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
