I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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