i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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