i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
