Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
