i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
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I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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