i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
