Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
