Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
