Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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