I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
