I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
