I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
