Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
