I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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