At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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