I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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