That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my being single is dangerous.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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