life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
