if you like me you must not know who I am
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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