Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Drake has all the answers
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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