I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
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Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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