So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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