Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
