wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
