i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you had me at cake vodka
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.