Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?