Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
