one might say we're banned from that church
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
