Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
