i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
