We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
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Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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