I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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