just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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