You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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