I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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