im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
