hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
