Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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