we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
