When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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