I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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