Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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