Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
