just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
