Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
