please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
