but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
