Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
